Mike’s Meandering Mumbles

Yes, it has been a long wait but at long last we are getting ready to fly, we will not miss the melting heat bcause it has been a bit excessive; although we are after all in the Middle East. And there is so much to look forward to, including pork again, and not from our own farm!

And I have to admit I am looking forward to the odd spot of fish and  chips from the famous chippies of old England. Somehow they taste better than from a  fast food joint and while there is no sound reason for this, it is a fact!

And as well as that there are the famous pub lunches and I am sure that we will avail ourselves of these regularly; the question is which price suits us?

The packing is a worry as, coming from Qatar, we are not well endowed in warm waterproof clothing. And I am told it is, not unusually, cold and wet in UK. We have sought for a decent umbrella but regrettably the kind we want does not seem to be in the shops, perhaps because as sunshades they are pretty useless.

Although I have spent decades taking planes to work and am so used to sitting bored in the paraffin budgies or awaiting the flight in their nests somehow I always feel slightly edgy when about to take a flight. It is only 7 hours rather than the usual 10 hour flight home which is a bonus but already I am being questioned about my phone.

While naturally our son is a great help to us, especially with the washing up, there are times when we regret not having a daughter. Who would, I am sure, reflect my looks. Or perhaps I mean, reflect Alice’s looks; which would be preferable.

But the main reason for flying to the UK is to meet the staff at the 6th form college he is transferring to. This does fill me with trepidation; I guess since I still have that fear of teachers instilled into me by my first sweet lady teacher and her ferocious rule, enforced by the ruler naturally.

Still at least I will be moving, for a time, away from the lands of rice and into the good old “real food” areas of the world.

And, of course, I will be able to sample the wonders of the Western World, we poor saps in the rest of the world have so much to look forward to, when eventually they become available here.

Mind you, my mutterings are better understood here than they are in some places; I still remember the occasional misunderstandings when my son was young back in England. Which is only fifteen or so years and yet seems a lifetime.

Preparing to head for UK with the family I have concerns due to my aging prostrate. So I had a thought or two about the loo situation. Which is a worry.

And of course, with my quick grasp of the obvious I realised the problems that were to arise.

It is probably this mind of mine that leads me to strange conversations that always seem to lead to me being told to go forth and multiply.

At last things are improving, Alice and Alistair will be back in a couple of days and finally I will be able to stop doing my own shopping. Still I found that with care you can find the buns and the fillings for the sarnies in a single packet.

The problem is that, having given up smoking so many years ago I cannot take the proper “man alone” eating pose, but never mind. Perhaps even worse is the cutting down on the booze, which prevents me having the proper reach for the next bottle. However I have noticed that in spite of the much reduced intake still as the weeks increased without Alice I have tended to have a little more of Jack than I did after she first flew. I also hit the wine box once or twice, and in spite of the new glasses to be found these days personally I found that the normal pint glass was better than the new fangled things.

And I decided to indulge myself and bought a new small Ixus to cheer myself up. What a revelation! The subject of an older photo looked so much loveable when taken by the latest and greatest photographical equipment. Although my  full size SLR digital camera is a Sony, I do find the smaller Canons hit the spot exactly.

Getting back to the horrors of looking after myself the fact it is Ramadan makes it worse, no alcohol in the hotel restaurants, and the alcohol shop is closed so if you run out, that is it baby. And normal (non 5 star hotel)  restaurants do not even open until it is time for Iftar. So a casual run to get a feed is not on the cards.

Never mind, being apart is nearly over and we did decide on it of our own free will, if there is such a thing.

Just when I was getting so excited about getting home again some little devil looked down the hellhole and spotted me. And came up with the brilliant idea of preventing me from visiting home this month.

So that although my love is there I will not be joining her. I gather she is rather upset, as am I, and has slightly overdone things down at the restobar in her sadness.

So the welcoming committee can be cancelled, or at least postponed until December and I will miss seeing the latest brood of piglets, which have only very recently arrived.

Which is a pity as they are an unsually intelligent looking litter and I have great hopes for them.

Perhaps even more upsetting is missing seeing my granddaughter, who is now taking great delight in the farm and the various opportunities it offers for rides and the like. Silly it may be, since her English is not extensive as yet, but I enjoy her company almost as much as that of Alice.

And, instead of the delights of family and the Philippines, what do I get? A visit to lovely rainy Britain instead. Probably my last ever, so at least I will get the opportunity to see my small family in UK and a couple of pals one final time. But somehow I seem to feel I would rather be going to my home again.

And of course my hand is so very lonely without Alice’s to hold.

I had not previously been aware that my preference for correct grammar and word usage made me a nerd. But never mind, I can live with it.

My work is not the be all and end all of my life (Alice may well be though!) and even if it has its moments it is not stopping me from thoughts of my imminent leave.

Of course this is at least partly because I am permitted to overindulge during the holiday and my brain is passing thoughts of excess through my mind on a regular basis.

Choccies naturally, especially with raspberries, combining to make a pleasurable plate load. But even a large burger can have its pleasures on occasion, however as we all know the greatest pleasure comes from those sweets from childhood days and how I love the lollipop with its special flavour.

As I am getting used to the reduction in alcohol intake, while not necessarily admitting it, I guess the dreams of a real splash on the booze front are no longer of quite such interest as they used to be.

No, in fact the thought of seeing my little duckies is such a great pleasure that it pushes out other more fluid centred thoughts, which is just as well since I cannot really afford to totally ignore the diet with all the bodily woes caused by my rotundity.

So I will just look forward to the moment when I call the cab and start the journey home. So excited about the trip and the rise into the sky (do I hear faint echoes of “Stairway to Heaven”?) as I head to a lovely country and my equally lovely family.

It has been a long road to find the truth that a family is a wonderful thing, it’s those others that are irritating.

I have heard so much about thinking outside the box but it was rather its opposite that led to my recent decision to yet again grow the old face fungus. It is partially a hope that just for once my 12 year old self is going to be correct. Unlikely since his past performance has not recorded many successes.

But as my hair grows whiter and my exercise regime continues (I lost a kilo last week!) I find myself with a mental picture of myself cycling and looking pretty damn good for an ancient.

Of course there are young ladies who manage exercise feats that I can only dream of achieving but, never mind, I have no desire to strive beyond my capabilities.

No, the stress I shall place on myself will be limited to the thinking in the box which has already provided me with wonderful ideas such as a portable shower to cool me as I walk in the 50°C heat.

Possibly less welcome in the Gulf is the new style of clothing for ease of relief, but since older users might be tempted by other forms of relief than just that of one’s bladder perhaps that is not so sensible. But something to be kept in mind for the time when adult diapers may be needed?

But the present central thought is to obtain exercise while having the entire family around me, always something that I enjoy.

It can be a shade boring for our son, missing his friends in UK, and with few people around with whom he can enjoy himself while we are in the Phils. Still I do rather feel that he missed the point when I suggested that going outside would be of benefit. I appreciate that the frisbee may not be so interesting by yourself but surely there is something on the farm of interest. But no, he just arranges things to his own satisfaction.

And yet there so many things to see and do, from the ducks who I enjoy so much and who show so much interest to the pigs and their love of a trip to the sea. And I truly believe that he could find another aquatic creature to which he may be drawn, if he would just give it a try.

Even stayimg on the farm and viewing the pigs enjoying their families so much is a source of pleasure to me although apparently not to him.

But I should not lead you to believe that it is all sweetness and light amongst the pigs, although mostly one finds them all of a pleasant temperament there are some who show a more human dislike of their brethren.

It is indicative of the pressures of working in an expat life that we all seem to view the world based on certain simple criteria. But, thank goodness, leave beckons, and soon I will be seeing the excitement as the family see me re-enter their lives.

Personally I am looking forward to a  rather more interesting kitchen than seen in the Gulf, no matter how they try to spice up the look of the kitchen help. Having said that I do deplore storage of wine so close to a variable heat source.

Of course that is not the only reason for the joys of getting home and regrettably there are drawbacks due to my great age. Memory is far less reliable than it used to be and with my poor recall of names and faces I am at times hardly capable of identifying my own kin.

I think it was soon after my beloved pater recorded my early days that I first became interested in photography and photos. Certainly finding that it assured you of being surrounded by lovelies I had to take steps towards this as my favourite hobby.

Of course the expense is considerable, leading to a certain inventiveness on occasion when after that long distance shot. But it is well worth it to get the best equipment you can afford since no amount of creative posing on the part of the photographer will make the photos better, much as I wish it would.

And one must always remember the basics of framing the picture so as to get a result showing your models at their very best.  To be honest your chances of any opportunity for snapping lovely ladies will be pretty minimal unless you learn all the basics and also get some decent equipment.

Without this I regret that the best opportunity you can expect is that wonderful world of Japanese photographers and to be honest it is not a career that I personally would seek.

I am looking at tickets for the next flight home, always something that cheers me! I always know when the time nears as Alice gets her mind set on a new hairstyle, or at least a trim and a highlight or two. But I am glad that she does not go the whole hog and get a full hair restyle as the shock to my system might be too great.

It bad enough going home with the full knowledge that there may be another close relative with good news to spread, and the almost certainty that we will soon be spending again! Not that this is a downer since we do enjoy the youngster about the place, but it seems there are always more little ones to join us in the restaurants that I enjoy so much. But not all fast food joints are as good as I once thought they were and may be given the elbow on this trip.

Although Alice likes a little cake (well, a lot really!) I am for the simple life  and enjoy the stroll to the local sari sari store and the amble back with a bucket or two of beer.

And of course the easy availability of fresh meat satisfies my carnivorous nature. Alice is such a dab hand at cooking these things that I could almost, but not quite, be convinced that there is no need for as many restaurant visits as we usually make. But then we have such a wonderful selection, that can make one’s mouth water copiously, that it is hard to resist.

Sometimes I feel that I want to have a mutter but that I am a bit stuck, but when I lose track I find the roadsign and I’m off once more. Anyway if all else fails I drivel on about ducks, frogs or bananas with the occasional young lady of course; and why these are things that turn up so regularly I cannot say,  I must have a word with the looney doctor, or do I mean the doctor for loonies?

But today it is frogs although possibly with a dash of sex, and why not? After all frogs, like Alice and I, like to hold hands and snuggle up close. But I do warn young ladies that if they see one out on the prowl they should take a step back and avoid becoming entangled as once they get you in their grasp they are likely to invite friends over, which unless this is your particular odd fantasy, can only lead to tears.

Mind you the use of a warning sign can keep one safe if necessary.

And then of course there is that other concern that a man eating monster may come around as feeling called by the situation, and that is something everyone wants to avoid.

It has been running at 50° before lunch recently, which is a shade on the warm side in my opinion, which is making life a bit difficult. At home of course our maid can dress down a bit and thereby keep her cool but here in the Gulf rules are a bit stricter.

While, in the privacy of one’s own home, it is possible to get a little relief by various methods, whether singly or in company, this is not the case if one goes out.

While one always hope to see a cool threesome at the restaurant, it is just not going to happen.

Instead one should think back to those lovely beaches in the Philippines, although to be honest, this style of bathing suit is not all that normal, so perhaps that is also wasted effort.

No, the reality is that one has to hit the ices, or possibly the cold drink gently pressed to the skin. Luckily where we are we have the necessary licence to have alcohol at home.

It is a fact that some people take time to get used to the different style of living in the Gulf and this is why many new expats  are sometimes guilty of a slight faux pas.

I have had virtually no spare time recently and thus my mumbles have lost out, I am sure this has disappointed many, not! (As I believed was youthful parlance a decade or so ago – I am always a shade behind the times.) And many have got out that special coffee cup, I am sure, but cheer up here is one appearing at last; and immediately at least one fervent admirer of the mumbles breaks into dance.

Those who have been queueing to read the latest burst of purple prose with breatheless excitement can now relax.  Those who turned to other things in their despair can cease trials of beverages and read, learn and inwardly digest the snippets of wisdom (?) once again.

But all will be pleased to hear that I have not been wasting my time, listening to my audio books, or  sampling other pleasures such as opening the jars that I keep my special treasures in.

And neither have I been spending time with my friends (would I neglect my few readers for mere acquaintances?). No matter how staid and stodgy they are, thus being so akin with my own style and nature.

No, the fact is I have been putting pictures up on cebucitytoday and thereby showing the expat inhabitants how their pleasant life will soon be spoiled as Alice and I retire and live there permanently rather than intermittently.

It may have been a mistake as one retiree has already shown me that she is knitting ready for my arrival.